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Tables of Contents for Not Just Friends
Chapter/Section Title
Page #
Page Count
Acknowledgments
xvii
Introduction
1
14
PART I: THE SLIPPERY SLOPE
15
50
Quiz: Has Your Friendship Become an Emotional Affair?
16
1
I'm Telling You, We're Just Friends
17
25
Being Attracted Means You're Still Breathing
18
1
Being Jealous Could Mean That You're Tuned In
19
2
Approaching the Slippery Slope
21
4
To Have and to Hold . . .
21
1
Step 1: Platonic Friendship/Secure Marriage
22
1
Step 2: Intimate Friendship/Insecure Marriage
23
2
Walls and Windows
25
1
Opportunity Is Everywhere
26
12
Danger Zone: Men and Women at Work!
27
4
In Your Own Backyard
31
3
Old Flames Burn Hottest
34
1
The Intimacy of the Internet
35
3
Quiz: Is Your On-line Friendship Too Friendly?
38
2
The Prevention Myth
40
1
Avoiding Fatal Attractions
40
2
Crossing into a Double Life
42
23
Step 3: Emotionally Involved Affair/Emotionally Detached Marriage
43
3
Beginning a Double Life
46
4
Three Red Flags at the Threshold
47
1
Commitment versus Permission
48
2
Step 4: The Sexually Intimate Affair/The Threatened Marriage
50
7
What's Happening in the Affair?
50
4
What's Happening in the Marriage?
54
3
When Sex Enters an Emotional Affair
57
1
Complications of the Double Life
58
7
Lying
60
2
Compartmentalizing
62
1
Other Ways of Dealing with Internal Conflict
63
2
PART II: THE TRAUMA
65
124
Reaching the Moment of Revelation
67
21
Loss of Innocence
67
3
Before Revelation: Secrets, Lies, and Suspiciousness
70
10
Avoiding Confrontation
70
1
Unsuspecting Partners
71
1
Tracking the Clues
72
1
Warning Signs of Infidelity
73
2
Being a Detective
75
2
Hiring a Detective
77
1
Confronting Your Suspicions
77
2
When Accusations Are Denied
79
1
The Many Pathways to Discovery
80
6
Confessions
81
2
The Informant
83
2
Accidental Discoveries
85
1
The Immediate Aftermath
86
2
In the Wake of Discovery
88
27
Traumatic Aftershock: The Emotional Roller Coaster
88
6
Reactions of Betrayed Partners
89
2
Reactions of Unfaithful Partners
91
2
Reactions of Unmarried Affair Partners
93
1
Why Some People Are More Traumatized Than Others
94
11
Shattered Assumptions
94
3
Individual Vulnerabilities in the Betrayed Partner
97
2
Pre-existing Stressful Life Events
99
1
The Nature of the Betrayal
100
3
The Threat Continues
103
2
Establishing Safety: Stop and Share
105
5
Step 1: Stop All Contact with the Affair Partner
106
2
Step 2: Share All Unavoidable Encounters
108
1
Step 3: Be Accountable
109
1
Surviving Day by Day
110
3
Develop Support Networks
110
1
Practice Damage Control
111
1
Lift the Lid a Little Bit
111
2
First Steps of Trauma Recovery
113
1
Is It Worth the Pain?
114
1
Should You Pick Up the Pieces or Throw In the Towel?
115
21
Ambivalence Barometer: Walls and Windows
117
2
Walls
117
1
Windows
118
1
Two on a Seesaw
119
5
Ambivalence in the Involved Partner
119
3
Ambivalence in the Betrayed Partner
122
1
Damage Control for Both Partners
123
1
Getting Off the Fence
124
6
Think Things Through Before You Act
125
2
Questions Betrayed Partners Can Ask Themselves
127
1
Questions Involved Partners Can Ask Themselves
127
1
Other Considerations
128
2
Constructive Separation
130
1
Ambivalence Therapy
131
1
Do You Have the Right Spouse but the Wrong Therapist?
132
2
Picking Up the Pieces
134
2
How to Cope with Obsessing and Flashbacks
136
26
Intrusion
138
8
Obsessing
138
2
How to Deal with Obsessive Thoughts
140
3
Flashbacks
143
3
Constriction
146
2
Hyperarousal
148
7
Physiological Hyperarousal
148
1
Emotional Hyperarousal
149
1
Hypervigilance
150
5
New Crises
155
3
Uncovering Previous Lies
155
1
Surviving Special Occasions
156
1
Handling the Affair Partner's Intrusions
157
1
Relapses
158
1
Triggers for Relapses
158
1
Coping with Relapses
159
1
How to Take Care of Yourself
159
3
Reactivate Fulfilling Activities
159
1
Look Out for Your Physical Health
160
1
Look Out for Your Mental Health
160
2
Repairing the Couple and Building Goodwill
162
27
Repair 1: Getting Back to Normal
163
3
Take Time Out for Fun and Companionship
163
1
Make Love, Not War
164
1
Recall Your Past Together
164
1
Dream about Your Future Together
165
1
Repair 2: Fostering Positive Exchanges
166
5
Ways of Caring
167
2
Express Appreciation
169
2
Enhancing Mutual Appreciation and Bull's-eye Caring
171
4
Exercise: What Pleases Me about You?
171
2
Exercise: The Newlywed Game
173
2
Resistance to Caring
175
4
Signs of Resistance
176
1
Overcoming Resistance
176
3
Repair 3: Learning Compassionate Communication
179
6
Tool 1: Inhibit, Inhibit, Inhibit
179
2
Tool 2: Play Ping-Pong
181
1
Tool 3: Use ``I'' Messages as the Speaker
182
1
Tool 4: Be a Good Listener
183
2
Creating an Empathic Process
185
4
PART III. THE SEARCH FOR MEANING
189
124
The Story of the Affair
191
26
Why It's Important to Tell
192
6
Telling the Truth Rebuilds Trust
193
3
Telling Releases the Secret Ties That Bind
196
1
Telling Increases Marital Intimacy
197
1
How to Tell
198
7
Pitfalls to Avoid
198
3
The Three Stages of Disclosure
201
4
What to Tell
205
10
Reconciling Different Perspectives and Mistaken Beliefs
206
2
Questions to Answer
208
7
Search for Meaning
215
2
The Story of Your Marriage
217
31
Quiz: Relationship Vulnerability Map
218
2
The State of the Union
220
10
Sexual Compatibility
222
4
Inequity
226
2
Power Struggles
228
2
From Niagara to Viagra
230
11
The Family Life Cycle
231
4
The Marital Lifeline: A Unique History
235
6
Relationship Dances
241
5
Parent and Child
242
1
Saint and Sinner
243
1
Bully and Sneak
243
1
Demand-Withdrawal Patterns
243
3
How to Begin a New Dance
246
1
The Myth of the Low-Maintenance Marriage
246
2
Your Individual Stories
248
31
Quiz: Individual Vulnerability Map
249
2
Individual Attitudes about Infidelity
251
8
Justifications and Excuses
251
2
Premarital Sexual Permissiveness
253
1
Entitlement
254
1
Personal Deterrents
255
3
Conflict between Values and Behavior
258
1
Running on Empty
259
5
The Need to Escape
259
1
The Starving Ego
260
1
The Need for Excitement
260
4
Echoes from the Past
264
8
Old Family Tapes
265
2
Emotional Allergies
267
1
Survivors of Childhood Abuse
268
1
Attachment Styles
269
3
Passages and Growing Pains
272
4
New Roles
273
1
Reluctant Grown-ups
273
1
Midlife Reckonings
274
1
Never Too Old
275
1
The Exception or the Rule?
276
3
Narcissism
277
1
Antisocial Behavior
277
1
Chronic Lying
278
1
Hope for Change
278
1
The Story of Outside Influences
279
14
Quiz: Social Vulnerability Map
280
1
Birds of a Feather Frolic Together
281
6
Occupational Vulnerability
282
2
Faithless Friends
284
2
The Family Tree
286
1
The World We Live In
287
6
The Double Standard Is Alive and Well
287
3
Trends
290
1
Sin Cities
291
2
The Story of the Affair Partner
293
20
Quiz: Single Woman's Vulnerability Map
294
2
The Story through the Lens of the Other Woman
296
4
Sophie's Lost Friendship
296
3
Peggy's Lost Years
299
1
Power Balance: Who's on Top?
300
3
Dependent Women
300
2
Independent Women
302
1
The Guilt-Free Affair
303
2
Getting to the Root of It
305
4
Family Triangles
305
2
A Sexy Veneer
307
1
A Heart of Gold
308
1
Lessons for the Affair Partner
309
1
Lessons for the Couple
310
3
PART IV: THE HEALING JOURNEY
313
66
Healing Together
315
24
How Long Is It Supposed to Take?
316
2
Four Steps Forward and One Step Back
316
1
Patience Is Essential
317
1
Completing Unfinished Business
318
2
Getting Rid of Reminders
318
1
The Final Farewell
319
1
The Unanswered Questions
319
1
Repairing the Damage
320
7
Mending the Trauma Wounds
321
1
Reversing Walls and Windows
322
2
Restoring Broken Trust
324
2
Reclaiming Lost Territories
326
1
Cleaning Up the Fallout
327
4
Weaving Broken Threads with Family and Friends
327
2
What to Tell the Children
329
1
Life-altering Consequences
330
1
Reconstructing a Stronger Marriage
331
5
Addressing Relationship Vulnerabilities
332
1
Learning New Dances
333
3
Forming a United Front
336
3
Shared Responsibility
336
1
Shared Intimacy
337
1
Shared Meaning
337
1
Shared Vision of Monogamy
338
1
Forgiving and Moving Forward
339
18
What Is Forgiveness?
340
3
Clarifying What Forgiveness Is Not
341
1
Defining What Forgiveness Is
341
1
The Personal Benefits of Forgiveness
342
1
Are Some Things Unforgivable?
343
1
Is There a Right Time to Forgive?
343
2
Forgiving Too Soon
344
1
Beware of Pseudo-forgiveness
344
1
Why Can't You Forgive Me?
345
4
Lingering Suspicion
345
1
Reverberating Pain from the Past
346
1
Accusatory Suffering
347
1
Self-absorbed Unforgiving
348
1
Rituals of Forgiveness
349
4
Seeking Forgiveness
350
2
Granting Forgiveness
352
1
Rituals of Recommitment
353
1
Courtship
354
1
Renewing Vows
354
1
Forgive the Pain but Remember the Lesson
354
3
How Do We Know You Won't Betray Again?
355
1
What Choices Does the Betrayed Partner Have?
356
1
Healing Alone
357
22
I Never Intended to Be Just Another Statistic
359
2
The Hard Adjustment
361
3
The Unfairness of It All
361
1
The Financial Nightmare
362
1
The Loneliness
363
1
New Scenarios with Old Friends
364
1
Starting Over
364
4
Wallowing Never Gets You Anywhere
364
1
The New Learning Curve
365
1
The Dating Game
366
2
The Matter of Children
368
3
Breaking the Bad News
369
1
Protecting Your Children from the Fallout
370
1
Survivors of Infidelity
371
6
Nancy: Always on Guard
372
1
Kimberly: Bridge to a New Life
373
1
Evan: Better the Second Time Around
374
1
Heather: Becoming Whole Again
375
2
Living Well Is the Best Revenge
377
2
Afterword: Mini-Guide to Safe Friendships and a Secure Marriage
379
4
Seven Facts You Need to Know about Infidelity
380
1
What You Need to Know about Love
380
1
Seven Tips for Preventing Infidelity
381
1
Critical Elements for Healing the Trauma of Infidelity
382
1
Vulnerability Maps
382
1
Appendix: Resources
383
4
Chapter Notes
387
20
References
407
6
Index
413