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Tables of Contents for You Can't Come to My Birthday Party
Chapter/Section Title
Page #
Page Count
Preface
xiii
Introduction
3
4
Overview of the Problem-Solving Approach
7
38
Traditional Approaches to Conflict
9
2
Why Conflict Mediation Works: Premises to Consider
11
8
The Premises in Action
16
1
Carly and Sam both want the last block
16
3
Child Development: Its Impact on Problem Solving with Young Children
19
6
Egocentrism
20
1
Concrete thinking
20
1
Limited verbal skills
21
1
Physical expressiveness
22
1
Striving for independence
23
1
``One-thing-at-a-time'' thinking
23
1
Developing capacity for empathy
23
2
The Mediation Steps: An Introduction
25
7
Steps 1 and 2: Supporting feelings
25
2
Steps 3, 4, 5, and 6: Supporting children's solutions
27
5
The Step in Action
32
3
Jerome and Bobby: ``It's my turn!''
32
3
Punishment or Problem Solving: What Each Teaches
35
10
Mistakes and new learning
36
2
Why do adults punish?
38
1
Coerced outcomes versus child-chosen solutions
39
1
Lila wants to pet Jack's Queen Bee
40
5
A Supportive, Safe Beginning to Problem Solving
45
46
Step 1: Preparation, Perspective, and Strategies
45
13
Seeing children's actions as social mistakes
46
4
Keeping the past in mind
50
1
Remembering the learning value of conflict
51
1
Preparing for neutrality
52
1
Body language: Communicating calmness and neutrality
53
5
Step 2: Acknowledging Feeling---What Is It?
58
12
Understanding how children express their emotions
59
2
The adult's response: Communicating that feelings are understood
61
3
The power of acknowledging feelings
64
1
Kristy: Overwhelmed by sad feelings
64
2
Other occasions for acknowledging feelings
66
1
Alan: ``Just let nobody have a turn!''
67
3
Strategies for Acknowledging Feelings
70
15
Reframing children's strong feeling words
70
3
Avoiding getting derailed by children's strong feelings
73
1
Responding to ``I hate you, you're not my friend''
73
1
Hurtful behavior: Setting limits
74
2
Neutralizing objects in dispute
76
1
Watching for signs that feelings are fully expressed
77
2
Children who express emotions intensely and often
79
1
Lakisha, Douglas, and Alan: ``He's shooting at us!''
80
3
Merrilee's role: Observing, facilitating, acknowledging
83
2
The Effect of Mediation on Social-Emotional Development
85
6
Development of emotional skills as violence prevention
85
2
Effects of emotional support on learning
87
4
Getting to Solutions
91
30
Step 3: Gather Information
91
2
Step 4: Restate the Problem
93
1
Step 5: Ask for Ideas for Solutions and Choose One Together
94
2
Step 6: Be Prepared to Give Follow-Up Support
96
2
The Rationale for Child-Made Solutions
98
2
Facilitating Creative Solutions: Six Stories
100
3
Learning to see things from others' perspectives: Whose keys are they?
100
1
Natalie, Kristie, & Tommy: ``I want the keys!''
101
2
Friendship and the importance of being ``in control''
103
5
Grace, Niki, and Aja: ``Stop following us!''
104
4
Fairness and sharing: Their role in the mediation process
108
4
Christian, Mark, and Alex: ``I need only one more!''
108
4
The challenge of exploring all the options
112
5
Josh and Sylvia: ``I had it first!''
112
5
When conflicts begin to resolve more quickly and easily
117
4
Tamika and Stephie: ``She won't let me hold the doll!''
117
1
Lydia and Jesse struggle over a stroller
118
3
When Adults or Children Feel Upset: Responding to Strong Emotions
121
70
Children's Emotional Expressions: What to Expect
122
1
Responding to Children's Emotional Outbursts
123
12
Noticing and naming strong feelings
125
1
Lakisha and Seth: ``I wanted the swing!''
125
5
Reflecting the intensity of children's feelings
130
2
Ian and Carl: ``I want it Right Now!''
132
3
Adult Emotions and Conflict: The Role of Experience
135
2
Strategies to Use When Either Adults or Children Are Too Upset to Begin Problem Solving
137
14
Delaying problem solving
137
3
Stan: ``I want whack it!!''
140
1
George: Finding a calming place
141
2
``I'' statements: Constructive communication about strong feelings
143
1
Language that gives limited choices
144
2
Preparing ``I messages'' for personal triggers
146
1
Aaron hits Sam: Betsy gets angry
147
4
Assessing the Sources of Conflict
151
7
Developmental stages in problem solving and adult responses
151
2
Dealing with intense emotions from non-classroom sources
153
1
Spanking and classroom aggression
153
2
Dion: ``Treat me like an older boy.''
155
3
Four Challenging Mediations
158
33
Wally's story: Problem-solving when both adult and child are very upset
160
1
Wally hits Betsy, over an itchy sweater
161
10
Asa's story: Problem solving around safety issues
171
1
Asa refuses to problem-solve
171
7
Two stories of children and animals: Challenges to personal values
178
1
Ian and Mark Anthony: ``He doesn't want us to break worms!''
178
5
Ian, Tom, and Asa: ``We killed a toad.''
183
8
Learning to Problem-Solve: How Change Happens, One Child at a Time
191
52
Listening for Children's Needs and Wants
191
5
Benny's Stories
196
23
Replacing physical aggression with verbal assertiveness
197
1
Benny hits Max, then finds a solution for everyone
198
8
``Get off!'': Benny waits for horses
206
2
Did Benny ``get his way''?
208
2
Supporting assertiveness
210
1
Following children's leads and supporting playfulness
210
2
Benny problem-solves with ``dinosaur talk''
212
2
Developing the ability to compromise
214
1
Benny and Ethan both want the trapeze
214
2
Benny solves an adult problem
216
3
Raven's Stories
219
24
Resistance to problem solving
220
1
Raven pinches Anita and responds to problem solving with a tantrum
220
3
Intrinsic versus extrinsic motivation
223
2
When a child's hurtful actions have no connection to the classroom
225
1
Raven pushes Franco and smiles
226
2
Verbal aggression: Name-calling---a step forward from physical aggression
228
1
Raven calls Anita a ``butthead''
228
2
Raven yells at Antonia, without hurtful words or actions
230
3
Negotiations over control: An essential part of play
233
1
Shared control: A mediation outcome
234
1
Raven suggests a compromise solution at the dollhouse
234
3
Raven, Liza, and Anita argue over the tire swing, and Raven finds a solution
237
2
Raven---Becoming a mediator
239
1
Raven mediates between three younger children
240
1
Independent problem-solving
241
1
Raven and Anita resolve a problem
241
2
Small-Group Problem Solving
243
44
Planning for Small-Group Problem Solving
245
8
Using a planning sheet
246
2
Strategies for small-group problem solving
248
5
Stories of Small-Group Problem Solving
253
34
Small-group discussion--Problem: Running in the classroom
255
3
Introducing a problem for small-group discussion
258
1
Small-group discussion---Problem: Sharing
259
7
Small-group discussion---Problem: Going to the playground without a teacher
266
5
Small-group discussion---Problem: Shooting in the classroom
271
3
Small-group discussion---Problem: Being safe while being ``powerful''
274
8
Family problem-solving discussions
282
1
Family discussion---Problem: Being quiet for baby sister's bed time
283
1
Making a poem from children's ideas
284
1
Spontaneous small-group discussion---Problem: What does peace mean?
284
3
Preventing Conflicts and Creating Emotionally Healthy Environments
287
52
Child Development Strategies
290
13
Keep in mind the young child's unique developmental perspective
290
3
Grandma wants to vacuum: Tom wants his blocks
293
1
Tom doesn't want to ride in the stroller
294
1
Tom becomes an independent problem solver
295
5
Encourage children to be active learners throughout the day, supporting their choices and decisions: avoid the use of praise or evaluation
300
2
It's outside time but Andrea is still busy indoors
302
1
Adult-Child Interaction Strategies
303
12
Be fully available to and respectful of children
303
3
Establish a safe community for children and include children in deciding guidelines for the classroom
306
2
Mediate conflicts as they occur, focusing on actions, rather than people, when stopping hurtful or destructive behavior
308
3
Alex, Hakeem, Reese, and Leroy: ``Wanna hear my idea?''
311
2
``We got into a little bit of an argument'': Jason solves the problem
313
2
Learning Environment and Daily Routine Strategies
315
9
Plan a learning environment that includes a variety of areas and materials
315
3
Establish and maintain a consistent daily routine
318
1
Help children anticipate and enjoy the transitions in the daily routine
319
2
Plan strategies for making cleanup time fun and interesting for children
321
3
Home-to-School Transitions Strategies
324
10
Plan an ``orientation'' period for each entering child
324
4
Plan strategies for parent departure times
328
5
Joel arrives at preschool
333
1
Assessment Strategies
334
5
Record observations of children on a regular basis
334
1
Examine your reasons for choosing to work with children
335
4
Mediation in Elementary Schools
339
48
About Peer Mediation
343
18
Observing a peer-mediated conflict: Responding to line scuffles
347
1
``Sean pushed me!''
348
3
How productive was the ``pushing'' discussion?
351
2
The communication process: The essence of peer mediation
353
2
A ball game: Archie and Asa ``team up'' without Max
355
6
Adult Responses to Conflicts during the Classroom Day
361
17
Quick adult-child mediations
362
1
A conflict erupts over school play preparations
363
1
The role of adult mediators on the elementary school staff
364
1
When the classroom teacher is unable to mediate
365
1
Chasing in the Classroom: Dan and Jamal struggle to communicate
365
5
A teacher-child conflict: Serena has an outburst in the classroom
370
8
Classroom Meetings that Support the Development of Communication Strategies
378
9
``I feel mad when my glue stick gets taken'': A Second Step class discussion
380
7
Afterword Sarab and Amjad work out a problem
387
2
Appendix: Easing Home-to-School Transitions
389
6
References
395
6
Story Index
401
4
General Index
405
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