CONTENTS Preface 1 1. We Have a Very Well Written Constitution 5In which the fellow who actually wrote the document (no, it wasn't Jefferson or Madison) is finally given his due 2. We Are Free to Be You, Me, Stupid, and Dead 9In which the author defends your right to say anything, no matter how awful, as long as it is not about him 3. We're Dignified. That's What I Said-Dignified 15In which the preposterous idea is put forward that we are not as vulgar as we think we are 4. But We're Extremely Disloyal 21In which the loyalty of such Americans as Ronald Reagan, John Dean, George McGovern, Rose Mary Woods, and Benedict Arnold is called into question 5. Everyone's a Liberal (Oh, Go Ahead and Read It Anyway) 27In which the author picks a fight with conservatives, including his old man 6. God Is Not on Our Side 35In which one is invited to consider whether He is or is not, or She is or is not, or whether one can know or not know, or should know or should not-or not 7. A River Runs Through Us 41In which we're exhilarated and scared to death as we round the bend 8. I Guess We Let Anybody In 47In which we do and enjoy highlights and a makeover at the Hello Gorgeous Beauty Salon 9. Our Leaders Say the Darndest Things 55In which we watch the Detroit Tigers on the radio when we can, discover that Hawaii is in the Pacific, yet try not to throw out the baby with the dishes 10. We Are a Bunch of Losers, Ourselves 61In which we stand by the proposition that losing isn't the only thing, it's everything 11. Our House Is a Very Very Very Fine House 67In which we look at the Constitution as if we lived there. Who chose those drapes? 12. We Can Live with It 75In which such problematic issues as abortion, affirmative action, war, privacy, and capital punishment are settled to everyone's satisfaction 13. We'd Rather Not Be Rich 83In which it is established that the rich are different from you and me-they're funnier 14. We Shame Monsters 89In which the free exercise of public opinion forces two big, bad wolves to see the light 15. Still Historical after All These Years 95In which we dive into the past, where we splash about quite happily, thanks 16. We Don't Stop the Presses 101In which all the complex arguments and characteristics that involve freedom of the press... are reduced to a single question 17. We Won't Be Hornswoggled 103In which the astonishingly good sense of most of the people most of the time makes most of the media look silly 18. When Left to Our Own Devices, We Begin 107to Behave Pretty WellIn which the hypothesis is offered that Americans are growing kinder with one another and may be experiencing evolutionary improvement 19. We Wave 115In which the author may be making too much of a small, casual gesture by citing it as a symbol of democracy-but he doesn't think so 20. We're Old-Fashioned 119In which the author goes back to the America of his childhood to visit three old ladies who cheated at canasta 21. We Dig That Hokey, Corny Presidential Talk 125In which the author makes an impassioned yet dignified plea for more and more bullshit 22. We're Nobody's All-American 131In which Ronald Reagan is recalled as an example of both an ideal and the undesirability of achieving it 23. Basically, We're Out of This World 139In which we digress 24. Annie Drops Her Gun (Smile When You Say That) 145In which the author, heaving with sunny optimism, as usual, declares that one more reason to love the country is that it's about to dump its weapons. Wanna bet on it? 25. We're Not That Innocent 153In which a line from a Britney Spears song is adopted to indicate how hip the author is and to make a point about national virtue 26. We're Mighty Purty 159In which the sheer beauty of the country is noted, suggesting that the best argument for preserving the environment is the environment 27. I Vermont, You Vermont, We Vermont 165In which a very special state is singled out as the embodiment of our nonsensical pursuit of unhappiness 28. We Play Ball 171In which the author produces the mandatory essay praising baseball in order to try to make a larger point about America's need to stay young. Does he do it? 29. Let Us Now Praise Famous Cities 177In which it is pointed out that the Bronx is up and the Battery down-but not out 30. We Have an Enormous Inventory or, What Is This 183Thing Called Love?In which the author paddles his canoe down a stream of unconsciousness and discovers the country of his dreams Acknowledgments 193